I’ve been pondering the “path of my life” these last few weeks. This is related to the question of “who am I, now that I’m single (again)?” This appears to be a question that pretty much everyone who loses their spouse has to wrestle with, and I’d say for me especially since a big part of my life was just devoted to taking care of her as the cancer took over more and more. That’s not there anymore, and she’s not here anymore. But, life goes on, until it doesn’t, and I need (for many reasons) to have things outside of myself to be involved with. Plus I want to continue to honor her and continue with the work she would be doing if she was here also… Why? Because I believe in it too.
But, a story I’ve shared a number of times in the last few weeks has got me thinking about the actual course of my life from now on. And I’ve mentioned “serving the Lord without distraction” a lot as well. Which relates to the bigger question of not just my life, but life as a Christian at this time (as my blog title suggests). So, what is the “path of my life” right now?
Well, I have basically “doubled down” in my involvement with the pro-life community, both here locally, and in the country as a whole. I’ve been connected to and sharing posts from lots of nationally-visible people, helping at the local pro-life pregnancy clinic, about to join the Board of a local maternity home for single moms, serving on the Board of a local “Right To Life” chapter, and am planning on attending at least two pro-life conferences in the next few months. And I’m trying to strengthen, support and encourage these ministries as much as I can.
But I was just reading something written by a Chinese pastor, released after he was arrested and jailed, proclaiming his stance on persecution by the Chinese government against Christians, and why he felt compelled to resist the ungodliness of it, but without trying to change the laws or the government. And in some ways I totally agree with him, and in others I don’t. (Thanks, Grace Han, for sharing that, BTW). I have always voted (since becoming a Christian) believing that I should be “salt and light” and make known God’s ways (as best I can hear Him in such things) by the way I vote and the people and issues I support. But, I’ve also become really aware that our Hope (capital “H”) HAS to be in God Himself, and not in governments, laws, politicians, or human leaders of any stripe. But I still don’t think that I should stand by and let ungodliness prevail, and especially in the case of abortion, where innocent, helpless human lives are at stake. Proverbs 24:11-12 (Good News) says, “Don’t hesitate to rescue someone who is about to be executed unjustly. You may say that it is none of your business, but God knows and judges your motives.” So, now that I KNOW the truth about abortion, I can’t in good conscience just stand by and let the unjust execution (murder) continue, as much as I can help it. And if I can’t be there to stand beside every baby in the womb about to be aborted, at least I can work toward laws, towards a culture, that will protect them even if I can’t personally do it. But, I also know that even if Rowe v. Wade is finally overturned, and (probably) the onus falls back on the states to make laws for or against abortion, and even if every state outlaws it again (unlikely), that abortion is still going to continue. Because “the heart is desperately wicked” and people will always find ways to rebel against their Creator until He finally puts a stop to it all. So, all my “pro-life activism” still has to fit into the broader context that the ONLY solution is still individual “repentance toward God and faith toward our Lord Jesus” (Acts 20:21).
So, my next point is about local church involvement; living out the “repentance and faith” steps myself in every-day life. I’d like to say we found a “perfect church” (which, of course, doesn’t exist, but we were pretty close in the fellowship we had in San Jose) here in Roseburg, because I firmly believe that we all as Christians need to be connected to a local body, living out this Christian life in fellowship with other like-minded believers. But, we were finally led (I believe) to A local church, where I have and am becoming as involved as I can be. And I am finding fellowship, in addition, with other believers here in other contexts (coffee with some other pastors on a regular basis, lunch with other men, Bible Study groups, etc.) And I continue to interact with the church in San Jose via What’s App, texts, phone calls, once-every-six-week trips down there, and so on. But, even perfect teaching doesn’t mean anything if it’s not worked out in my life. And discipleship is only as good as the rubber that’s meeting the road when I’m tempted, or have a decision to make, or a life-course to plan. And one of the things that’s certainly meant a lot to me, both to give and to receive, is encouragement. And, in fact, the messages at the church here the last two weeks have been about that subject (and more broadly about “courage”). So I know that God is speaking to me here, through every and any means He can, because He loves me, and is still working out His purpose to make me like His Son (Romans 8:29).
But, the third point or track in this “life-path” is music. So, the story I’ve been telling (see above) lately is about the fork in the road I had to choose from as I was leaving high school, going on to college. I was basically a music and drama major in high school. I was in EVERY group that existed there. I’m actually not even sure why I did that, because I don’t ever recall a conscious “choice” to be a musician. In fact, I wasn’t even THAT good (a fact which was forcefully brought home to me when I failed to be good enough for the All-State Band and Choir, even though others right next to me were chosen). So, when confronted with this uncomfortable fact, and my naturally introverted, procrastinating self (meaning practice and self-discipline were NOT my strong suits), I chose “something else” as a college/career path, namely Engineering (headed toward Law, believe it or not), which morphed into Computer Science after I got a good taste of programming starting the summer after my freshman year. And I’ve been on that track for a good 43 years now (give or take), even though I never gave up on music entirely (well, not at all, really, since I now have about 25 instruments around the house). But, encouraged by any number of scriptures where we are commanded to praise the Lord with our instruments, and the feeling, to paraphrase a line from the movie “Chariots of Fire”, where Eric Liddell says, “When I run I can feel His pleasure”, that “When I play I can feel His pleasure”, I’ve now “doubled down” on music as well.
Her office which was unused after she passed has now become a recording studio and music room. And in addition to woodwinds, I’m now playing (well, trying to play might be more accurate) dulcimers, harp, piano, synthesizer, electric guitar and electric bass. And it’s kinda working. And I can feel His pleasure. And I’m encouraging others, I’m told. And I THINK I’m keeping my sanity this way (well, I guess that might be debatable, since several friends mentioned the probability of an intervention if I actually tried to get the harp….) But, I was told by my first pastor that God (Himself) had given me a gift of praise. So, that pretty much explains why I’m doing music at all, and why I have kept coming back to it, even without that conscious “choice”; it’s because it’s part of the structure of my being.
Oh, and I’m writing. Here, and in journals, and with one book started, and another in gestation. My college entrance exam scores were identical in Math and English, and both 99th percentile. But I’ve concentrated for 40+ years on the “Math” side of things. And done reasonably well. No complaints. So it kinda feels like I should be expanding that other “half” of me too. Now. As I’m questioning my “life path” and what it is that God wants me to do. And what it means to “serve Him without distraction”.
So, there you have it. The “state of the onion” as it were. Of course, there are a lot more things to life, everyday life, than just these things. There’s laundry, and vacuuming, and cooking, and bills, and taking care of Mercy my cat. And occasionally making wooden toys for the grandkids, and things for others. And camping and gardening (wow, is that a whole can of worms….) Oh, and a full-time job. So, I have a good, full life. Not that I don’t miss her (and cry almost every day). But I have to say that my life, at least right now, is not defined by the grief. And I haven’t fallen into the vortex of that emptiness where she used to be, although it’s been pretty close sometimes. But I have purpose, and I have some goals, but most of all, I have God as my Father, who is guiding me, encouraging me, correcting me, and giving me everything I need to do His Will.
And thanks for your prayers for me on this journey too!