So, this has been preying on my mind and heart for several months now, so I really need to talk about it. The “Elephant in the Room”, the “Big Question”: am I doing “Too Much”?
There are several reasons I’m even asking the question:
1. Every time someone asks me how I’m doing, basically I start going through the list of all the things I’m now involved in, and each time the list gets longer. Red flag!
2. Good friends who’ve known me for a long time (and even my father, who’s known me the longest), their first reaction is: “That’s a lot of stuff you’re doing”.
3. But most obviously, I go around the house sighing and crying and praying, “Lord, how am I going to get all this stuff done?” And by “all this stuff” I mean pretty obvious things like: a) The pile of bills and correspondence and mail completely covering the dining table, b) The 2 foot tall thistles slowly taking over the yard and garden, c) The fact that I almost never cook anything at home, despite the 4 new cookbooks, 2 new pans and new chef’s knife I’ve bought over the last few months… … …
And you’re probably wondering the same thing I have been forced to ask myself, “Am I doing too much?”.
It’s not an easy question to ask (for me, at least). Why? Well, I’ve invested in all the stuff I am doing. Like lots of money, and now time, and emotional effort. I’ve made some new friends, which feels desperately necessary at this time. I’m developing skills (like music and writing and woodworking) that I’ve long wanted to do, but never felt like I had the time to while I was married, and taking care of her (and not to mention working, etc.). And I’m planning for a retirement that I wish could come sooner than age 70 (or 72, or 80, or 95)! And I feel an urgency / necessity / drive to carry on with my wife’s legacy in compassion and service now that she’s gone. So …. all “good” reasons (at least in my mind) to basically ignore the hard things (like housecleaning, yard work, finances) to do the fun things, like building stuff in the garage, taking 20 mile bike rides with the Velo club, volunteering with three non-profits, and etc. etc.
Not to mention the fact that I can’t seem to go to bed. At night. Although naps are frequent.
Nor the fact that my “marching orders” for this season (from I Corinthians 7:35) are “serving the Lord without distraction”. One thing I “learned” about this early on was from Luke 2:37, from the widow Anna, who “served God with fastings and prayers night and day”. I say “learned” in quotes because I don’t think I’m really doing this yet. I mean, I do fast and pray, but not with any consistency, and not appreciably more than I used to. And some of my busyness, namely the work for the three non-profits (which are all Christian ministries in town) seems to me to be “serving the Lord without distraction”, in that I don’t have to feel like I’m taking time from my family in order to do it. Which feels pretty good. I can put my whole heart into it. I can pretty much give as much time and effort as is required, and I can volunteer for tasks pretty much on a moment’s notice.
But then there’s the bills. And the weeds. And the laundry, and vacuuming, and cooking and, and, and … which AREN’T getting done. Much.
So, what does “serving the Lord without distraction” mean in this midst of all this craziness?
My first blog post was kind of about this: talking about peace in the midst of busyness, in the forest. And I just read a part in a fascinating book I’m reading (“The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert” [highly recommend it, by the way]) where she talks about them finding ways to draw strength and spiritual nourishment from the Lord in the midst of their busy seasons. I’ve experienced that.
And I had a bit of insight last week, as I thought, “Why am I beating myself up that I can’t (yet) do the work of two people [well, actually more, since it took at least 5 of us, friends and family, to do all of the stuff my wife was doing before she got too sick]?” And I’ve heard numerous messages about how trials (should) drive us to lean on, to depend on Jesus more and more, as we see the end of our own strength and resources. In fact, that was a hymn that helped the two of us get through some of the hard days in the months of weakness before she died:
He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
“He Giveth More Grace” – Annie Johnson Flint (from https://library.timelesstruths.org/music/He_Giveth_More_Grace/)
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.
The other thing I was just realizing (now that I’ve let this post sit for a week or more) is actually a couple of things: One is that it’s “hard to steer a parked car”. In other words, if God is really going to steer my life (if “Lord” means what it should) then I need to be moving and not sitting around waiting for something to happen to me. Second, if the several parables that Jesus taught about the “talents” and the “minas” are important to me, then I really need to be active in using what God has graciously allowed me to have. Not for my own glory, but “using my worldly wealth to win friends for the eternal kingdom”. And, I’m going to have to answer for all the talents, opportunities, insights, money, time, gifts, and provision He has given.
So, in some senses, I feel like even the question, “Too Much?” is “me-centered”. The question I really need to be asking is, “Does what I’m doing glorify my God and my Savior?” And if it does, then there is not ever “too much” that I could do for Him to repay Him for what He has done for me!!
And Philippians 3:14 has come to mean a lot more to me lately: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” And maybe that is the operative answer to my question. Is it “too much”? Is it “too much” for God?
Thanks for reading and praying!