Maybe some of you (well, actually, myself first of all) are wondering how/why it took me so long to write. I mean, there were a bunch of posts in early 2019, then nothing until Spring of 2020. What is up with that?
I’m not sure.
Well, that’s not entirely true. I do have some ideas about why. Not sure I want to bare my soul that much to tell all, but I will try.
TL;DR Lots of personal stuff going on.
First of all, reasons to write: I was grieving last year. A lot. And partly I needed an outlet for some of that angst that wouldn’t drive me completely over the edge. Writing helped. But then I met and married Susan, and a lot of the angst was soothed and comforted, and the grieving was less. And so I didn’t need to write as much in order to make it through my days.
Second, I was really challenged (by God, I believe) to examine His call on my life, in light of not being married anymore. And I came to understand that He had put in me this talent, this desire, these words, and that I had been ignoring/burying this a lot for a number of years, and things needed to get “unstuck” as it were.
Okay, and third, reasons NOT to write: there was a lot of disquiet starting last spring, about getting married again, and then, once I did whether it was right, or not, and whether I could actually (still) hear from God, and whether He still had anything to tell me that needed to be shared.
And finally, there was a lot to do. Going from being two, in a new place, with lots of house and yard to take care of, to being one, and not very motivated to do anything, to then being two again, and on top of merging two households and getting to know my new partner, there was cleaning up from a year or more of neglect …. maybe you get the picture. LOTS to do!
Oh, and procrastination. Did I mention that?
So. Competing / conflicting things. Reasons for and against. Anxiety and insecurity on all sides. So where am I now?
I’m doing better, I think.
There apparently is a lot I (still) want to say.
I am still VERY afraid of hypocrisy. Of speaking lies / judging / thinking ill of others. I have been very aware of the other side of this lately, and I don’t want to be guilty of it myself, but probably am, more than I know.
But I still NEED to be closer to God. And many of the things that have happened have helped me (made me?) doubt a lot of things, more than ever, including whether I have ever known God, or whether I still know Him, or still can speak for Him…
Can anyone relate?
So, I had a really good conversation about 10 days ago with a close friend here. About life, and thoughts, and faith. He shared with me much of the same thinking going on in his own mind. It helped to hear that. It also helped to remember “The Screwtape Letters” (C. S. Lewis) that I started to reread last year, because I really needed it. Put a lot of “my thoughts” into perspective as to where they REALLY were coming from (still need to finish reading it though).
Daring to trust God again helped the most.
That bit prompted my new post on “Leaning on My Own Understanding“. God knows those who fear Him ….
Finally, I guess, I realized that burying my talent again wasn’t actually going to help anything or anyone, least of all me (see Matthew 25:24-30).
So, here we are (again). Thanks for reading!