For those unfamiliar with the account, Jesus performed a miracle to feed five thousand men (and women and children, although the text doesn’t count them) with one little boy’s lunch of five barley loaves and two fish. This miracle is recorded in all four gospels (Matthew 14, Mark 6, Luke 9 and John 6). And from what I know, anytime God wants to say something IMPORTANT He will say it multiple times. So, I take it that Him saying it four times makes it pretty darn important!
But … what does that have to do with me, at this present moment, and during this season of my life?
There are several very interesting things that happened just before and just after this moment in Jesus’ and His disciples’ lives. In the gospel of John, Jesus right before this happened was teaching them about His authority, and about witnesses or testimonies of who He is. And right after that is the furious storm that arose on the Sea of Galilee, to which Jesus responded by walking out on the troubled water of the Sea to His frightened disciples, which made them even more afraid (John 6:19). All these events are connected. But then in Mark (6:52) there is a curious statement at the end of the account: “… they had not understood the real meaning of the feeding of the five thousand.”
So, that, to me, is the link between this account and my present distress, as it were.
Let me ‘splain it… In case you were wondering, being widowed (widowered?) is pretty lonely. There are lots of empty places in my heart, in my house, in my life that used to have her in them, and now they don’t. There are lots of things she did and was that (I thought) there was no replacement for. And in some senses that is quite true. No one will ever be her. But, and here’s where Jesus and His miracle comes in, there is a sufficiency in God that is way more than the loss and emptiness I’m feeling. You see, Jesus noticed that those who were listening to Him had gone a long time without eating, and that they were a long way from a place to get food. That was no accident (of course), since He had chosen the place where He stopped to teach. And likewise, it is no accident that I am where I am (a new city, new people, new environment) and also a long way from a partner / wife / best friend to fill that loneliness.
But, one of my first prayers after she died was like this: “Lord, help me to prove that You are sufficient for me.” Watch out what you pray for! “Five loaves and two fish, coming up.” So, I have to say at this point, even having prayed that, and meaning it, my first reactions weren’t exactly trusting that He would actually provide all I needed. I was pretty desperate for people and spent a lot of time being around others, getting involved, and cultivating friendships. Probably good things. But there was still a lack. And so lots of nights I would soak the pillow with my tears, crying out from the loneliness of that big, empty bed.
But, some sage advice from an elder brother this past weekend has sharpened my focus and I’m starting to see the loaves and fish multiplying in ways that I couldn’t see before. What he said was just this, “But we don’t grieve without hope.” At first, I was kind of upset, thinking he didn’t really know what I’m going through, and that he was just giving me a platitude, and that all my grieving was okay, etc., etc. But as I wrestled with it, and began to accept that in fact he did have my best interests at heart, I began to see the self-pity in a lot of my tears, and to see that my biggest lack was actually not of a wife anymore, but a lack of God, a lack of trust, a lack of deep fellowship with my Creator and Redeemer. And as I began to reach out to Him more these last couple of days, I’ve begun to see more of what He has actually provided, and how even the loneliness has a purpose, a bigger purpose than just making friends, or even (gasp) moving toward marriage again (which, by the way, I’m not sure is even a thing anyway, for me). Because, I, just like the disciples on the lake, didn’t understand the miracle of the loaves and fishes. Because if they or I had, then even very scary circumstances couldn’t have made us afraid, or anxious, or feeling abandoned. How could we even go there if our Creator, God of the Universe, is aware of our every need and will even suspend or override (or whatever it takes to do a miracle) the laws of gravity, biology, physics and chemistry to give us what we need and even more (twelve baskets of leftovers)??
So, I’m beginning to recognize (I was seeing some of it, but not appreciating it) SO MUCH provision for me that I have already received, and even more that I haven’t yet (mostly because I haven’t asked …) that I’m beginning to be satisfied, even joyful, in God my Savior (remember Mary’s song?). And I have to say the “lacks” I’ve been so afraid of were a lot of things (like counsel, wisdom, strength, joy, love, companionship) that I should actually have been getting from God all along, and probably short-circuited in many ways by wanting them from my wife… And so I could have loved her better when she was here if I had been more connected to my Father in Heaven! So … I’m learning. To love God, which is the first and the greatest commandment anyway, and likewise the second to love my neighbor as myself. Because I have been satisfied by my portion of five loaves and two fish, and the very words from His mouth!
I still miss her though. A lot. But she is completely happy and at rest now. And for that I am really glad! And can’t hardly wait to be there too!
And it’s not to say that I’m completely “there” yet either (lest you all think I’m way more spiritual than I am). But I am experiencing a peace and contentedness that hasn’t been there before, and an acceptance is starting to grow too, for which I am very grateful!