Living – Page 2 – Musings of a Disciple

Too Much?

So, this has been preying on my mind and heart for several months now, so I really need to talk about it. The “Elephant in the Room”, the “Big Question”: am I doing “Too Much”?

There are several reasons I’m even asking the question:
1. Every time someone asks me how I’m doing, basically I start going through the list of all the things I’m now involved in, and each time the list gets longer. Red flag!
2. Good friends who’ve known me for a long time (and even my father, who’s known me the longest), their first reaction is: “That’s a lot of stuff you’re doing”.
3. But most obviously, I go around the house sighing and crying and praying, “Lord, how am I going to get all this stuff done?” And by “all this stuff” I mean pretty obvious things like: a) The pile of bills and correspondence and mail completely covering the dining table, b) The 2 foot tall thistles slowly taking over the yard and garden, c) The fact that I almost never cook anything at home, despite the 4 new cookbooks, 2 new pans and new chef’s knife I’ve bought over the last few months… … …

And you’re probably wondering the same thing I have been forced to ask myself, “Am I doing too much?”.

It’s not an easy question to ask (for me, at least). Why? Well, I’ve invested in all the stuff I am doing. Like lots of money, and now time, and emotional effort. I’ve made some new friends, which feels desperately necessary at this time. I’m developing skills (like music and writing and woodworking) that I’ve long wanted to do, but never felt like I had the time to while I was married, and taking care of her (and not to mention working, etc.). And I’m planning for a retirement that I wish could come sooner than age 70 (or 72, or 80, or 95)! And I feel an urgency / necessity / drive to carry on with my wife’s legacy in compassion and service now that she’s gone. So …. all “good” reasons (at least in my mind) to basically ignore the hard things (like housecleaning, yard work, finances) to do the fun things, like building stuff in the garage, taking 20 mile bike rides with the Velo club, volunteering with three non-profits, and etc. etc.

Not to mention the fact that I can’t seem to go to bed. At night. Although naps are frequent.

Nor the fact that my “marching orders” for this season (from I Corinthians 7:35) are “serving the Lord without distraction”. One thing I “learned” about this early on was from Luke 2:37, from the widow Anna, who “served God with fastings and prayers night and day”. I say “learned” in quotes because I don’t think I’m really doing this yet. I mean, I do fast and pray, but not with any consistency, and not appreciably more than I used to. And some of my busyness, namely the work for the three non-profits (which are all Christian ministries in town) seems to me to be “serving the Lord without distraction”, in that I don’t have to feel like I’m taking time from my family in order to do it. Which feels pretty good. I can put my whole heart into it. I can pretty much give as much time and effort as is required, and I can volunteer for tasks pretty much on a moment’s notice.

But then there’s the bills. And the weeds. And the laundry, and vacuuming, and cooking and, and, and … which AREN’T getting done. Much.

So, what does “serving the Lord without distraction” mean in this midst of all this craziness?

My first blog post was kind of about this: talking about peace in the midst of busyness, in the forest. And I just read a part in a fascinating book I’m reading (“The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert” [highly recommend it, by the way]) where she talks about them finding ways to draw strength and spiritual nourishment from the Lord in the midst of their busy seasons. I’ve experienced that.

And I had a bit of insight last week, as I thought, “Why am I beating myself up that I can’t (yet) do the work of two people [well, actually more, since it took at least 5 of us, friends and family, to do all of the stuff my wife was doing before she got too sick]?” And I’ve heard numerous messages about how trials (should) drive us to lean on, to depend on Jesus more and more, as we see the end of our own strength and resources. In fact, that was a hymn that helped the two of us get through some of the hard days in the months of weakness before she died:

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.
When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.
Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.
His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.
“He Giveth More Grace” – Annie Johnson Flint (from https://library.timelesstruths.org/music/He_Giveth_More_Grace/)

The other thing I was just realizing (now that I’ve let this post sit for a week or more) is actually a couple of things: One is that it’s “hard to steer a parked car”. In other words, if God is really going to steer my life (if “Lord” means what it should) then I need to be moving and not sitting around waiting for something to happen to me. Second, if the several parables that Jesus taught about the “talents” and the “minas” are important to me, then I really need to be active in using what God has graciously allowed me to have. Not for my own glory, but “using my worldly wealth to win friends for the eternal kingdom”. And, I’m going to have to answer for all the talents, opportunities, insights, money, time, gifts, and provision He has given.

So, in some senses, I feel like even the question, “Too Much?” is “me-centered”. The question I really need to be asking is, “Does what I’m doing glorify my God and my Savior?” And if it does, then there is not ever “too much” that I could do for Him to repay Him for what He has done for me!!

And Philippians 3:14 has come to mean a lot more to me lately: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” And maybe that is the operative answer to my question. Is it “too much”? Is it “too much” for God?

Thanks for reading and praying!

Unity

I was reading the prophet Daniel’s prayer of confession and intercession (found in Daniel chapter 9) a few days ago and for some reason just found myself weeping over the lack of unity in the Body of Christ, totally contrary to Jesus’ greatest desire (see John 17:11, 21) that “they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me.” (KJV) It seems no wonder (for instance) that there seems to be so little effect of the church in the world, if Jesus’ perception was that our unity in Him is going to be a huge factor in whether or not anyone believes the message. And is it also any wonder, then, that the enemy would work overtime to divide Christians, so that our effectiveness against his kingdom would be blunted, stifled, and quashed?!

I have to look no further than my Facebook feed, among the 300 or so of my (mostly) Christian friends, to find at least 10 issues / doctrinal points around which we seem to be divided. Or to look at the 50 churches amongst a population of less than 50,000 in this area, all more or less divided by some denominational / doctrinal issue or issues or system or viewpoint. Or to look at the grumbling in the church I attend over style of music, choice of praise songs, the style of the pastor’s preaching, or a bazillion other “things” that we find a reason to disagree with.

And I myself am not exempt from such evil. I have found myself in conversations, online and in person, where I either stopped myself or had to apologize because I crossed the line already and was participating in useless arguments about such things. Or harbored resentment and jealousy because I was “disrespected” or someone else’s (wrong in my eyes’) opinion was favored. Or turned and stomped out of the room in anger because I was corrected “unfairly”.

All of which leads to several questions:

How much of this division and disunity is real, that is, it should be there because one (or both) parties really lack the Spirit of Truth, and therefore are not actually part of the Body of Christ (I John 4:6)? Light has no fellowship with darkness.
How much is actually pride and self-seeking, because we naturally want to find a way to distinguish / exalt ourselves above everyone else?
How much is due to immaturity or lack of sound teaching, so that those involved are simply ignorant of the truth?
How much is “the blind men and the elephant”? In other words, are we “divided” because we each see a slightly different part of a much greater whole, and therefore we are all “right” in some senses, although different in our experiences?
And how much is due to traditions of men being exalted above the Word of God (Colossians 2:8)?
And most importantly, how much of all this is in me (and that I’m woefully unaware of or deliberately ignoring)?

It is quite true that these are perilous times. I reread George Orwell’s “1984” recently and was seriously weirded out for several days afterwards. Mostly, I think, I was shaken to my core that we are heading for / have become such a society already (well, 35 years “late” actually). “Hate speech”, “Fake news” and the like have now become almost constant topics of conversation. The truths that used to be “self-evident” are no longer so. Good is being called evil, and evil is being exalted, worshipped, and called “rights” and “health care” and the greatest good. And instead of being a voice and an example of truth, righteousness, and real love, I fear the church has become just another meaningless voice indistinguishable from all the other voices out there exercising their free speech to silence others.

There are those, however, who have not soiled their clothes, who have not bowed the knee to the gods of this world, and who will shine like the stars forever in the kingdom of God. But, am I one of them? Can I even discern my own errors?

I have several tests for myself that I often come back to.

Am I staying close to Jesus, in that I pray about everything, I quickly confess and turn away from sin when I’m aware of it, I listen for His voice through the Scripture, and I obey what I hear when I hear it?
Am I troubled when I sin? Do I even care if I please God or not? Do I value the opinions of men more than the righteous judgment of God?
Am I in submission to godly elders and leaders of my local church? Am I even in fellowship with godly people? Or am I just “going to church”?
Do I hunger and thirst for the Word of God? Do I value that in others?
Am I seeking to “redeem the time”, to lay down my life for the kingdom and for others? Or do I just want to be entertained and comforted and validated?
Do I even value this unity that Jesus desired? Or do I mostly want to be “right” and “correct” in my opinions?

Honestly, I fall short in a lot of ways. These tests have shown me many wrong answers. But deep down I also know that there is a Redeemer, and that if I confess my sins He is faithful and just to forgive me and to cleanse me from all unrighteousness (I John 1:9). I have no other real hope.

But I am also encouraged today, because I’ve seen an answer to desperate prayer last night first thing this morning. I’m encouraged because I still have breath, and today is the day of salvation. I’m encouraged because I know some other people who are also asking these questions, and really want to know the answers.

So, back to the subject of unity. Because this is where unity starts, continues, and finishes: at the cross, in Jesus, by the Spirit. Maybe it’s just because a lot of the church celebrates “Good Friday” today, as I’m writing this, but I hope we get it. I hope we can begin to see how great an offense we, as the “church”, have been to God Himself by our denominations and doctrines and divisions, and truly humble ourselves, and turn from our wicked ways, and seek His face so that He can come and heal our “land”, heal our churches, heal our families, heal our communities, and so that we who know Him can truly witness to a hurting, dying world of people that Jesus saves!

Abolition

Alright, I’m just going to write this. It’s politically incorrect and will probably offend everyone who reads it, but I’ve got to get this off my chest.

I want to talk about the abolition of abortion in these “United” States.

From my last post you will know that I am deeply involved in the pro-life movement, and specifically, currently, here in Roseburg Oregon. Which actually involves a lot more than just defending the unborn. It’s about doing everything we can to protect LIFE that comes from God. And I am committed now more than ever to seeing abortion ended in this country, and well, everywhere…

So just lately I’ve seen some pushback from “abolitionists”, who are now arguing against and vilifying others in the pro-life movement as being soft and compromising because they (the abolitionists) insist that since abortion is murder, that mothers who abort their babies should face murder charges (probably in addition to others involved in the abortion process, although there isn’t any controversy about “the others”). They insist that if we are to be consistent and actually end abortion that we must punish all involved equally.

Since I’m currently working with many women in the pro-life movement and was married to a mother who actually had three abortions (before we were married), I have some experience and as a result have some pretty deep convictions about this. And this “abolitionist” position makes me really angry, and here’s why:

In “normal” cases of murder, one of the primary discriminators between first-degree, second-degree, manslaughter, etc. is motive. Someone has died, but the culpability, the guilt, and therefore the degree of punishment often (and by law) comes down to other things surrounding that unfortunate and devastating event. Was is preplanned? Was it intentional? Was there malice? Were other criminal acts involved?
I have read at least one vocal abortion abolitionist who claims that all other (softer, and therefore “compromised”) pro-lifers are inconsistent because (he says) abortion is murder, and if I hire someone to murder for me, then I am just as guilty as the one who pulled the trigger, so to speak. And so, in his view, the same should apply to abortion. Mothers as well as abortionists should be charged with murder. I think this argument is misguided on several levels, so let me try to explain.
Yes, abortion is murder. No question in my mind. A separate, distinct human life has been forcibly terminated against its will.
But I think there is a huge gap in terms of motive, intentionality, malice, even knowledge, between the abortion doctor / facility who actually kill the baby (for money) and the mother who did the “hiring” of them. Not to mention the father of the (now dead) baby, who oftentimes seems to get a free pass in this whole debate, but who (often, but not always) has a hand in the abortion as well (maybe even the “hiring”) and who certainly participated in the act of conception that started the whole process.
Firstly, one statistic I’ve heard is that upwards of 60% of mothers who have abortions are COERCED into having them. Often by the fathers, or by the baby’s grandparents, or other family members. I’ve heard of PASTORS or their wives who have pushed their daughters into abortions for fear of the scandal getting out of an illicit pregnancy, and thereby ruining their “testimony”. So, statistically, in a super-majority of cases, the “murder” by the mother was actually against their wills, and therefore doesn’t even rise to the level of “murder” (legally speaking).
Secondly, those in the pro-abortion / pro-choice camp have for many years been preaching (obfuscating, propagandizing) that it’s “just a blob of cells, like a polyp”. And in spite of years of medical research, increasing technology, etc. MANY young mothers have never heard / seen this, and are therefore woefully ignorant of the FACT that this pregnancy is their little baby. Which is why, according to statistics, a HUGE percentage of mothers who get to see their baby via ultrasound images actually change their minds and don’t have the abortion (I’ve heard 80 or 90% or maybe more). So, arguably (and I think it’s a strong argument) these mothers don’t even think a human life is involved. So, legally speaking these don’t even rise to the level of “manslaughter”, much less murder, on the part of the mother. And have you noticed that the huge abortion industry and pro-abortion politicians, news media, etc. are now speaking of abortion in terms of “women’s health care”?!
Thirdly, there is a huge societal guilt that is ignored here as well, and on the part of the church to boot. As an example, during some of the revivals in America in the 19th century, the change was so profound in a number of places that the bars and brothels closed down because they had no more customers. Now apply that to abortion. How many abortion providers would have to close their doors if there were no more young women and men who were interested in their services? And revival can only come from the church. So where was the church in 1973 when Roe vs. Wade was decided? Where was the church when the Supreme Court justices who made that decision were going through catechism or confirmation (as the majority of young people did in the 1st half of the 20th century) and who were not taught the sanctity of life? Where was the church as teen pregnancy and divorce became more and more common? Where was the church as doctors sitting in their pews started to think about how much money they could make providing abortions? George Tiller (a notorious late-term abortionist) was killed in the Baptist church he attended…. I think we were mostly apathetic, uncaring and asleep to the dangers…. And the prophets tell us that God was/is mostly angry with the shepherds who were in charge and allowed these things to happen.
And where is the real love even now for the “adulteress caught in the very act” (John 8)? How do we treat the young women (or their boyfriends) who get pregnant out of wedlock in the church, or in our neighborhoods? Do we even know about it? Do they even feel safe enough to let us find out? Are we pushing them to abortions, even in subtle ways, by not providing the same atmosphere that Jesus did when the tax collectors and prostitutes gathered to hear him? Do we offer the same love and consistency that Jesus did when he said, “Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more”?
And what about those boys, those young men? Do the abolitionists propose to give them the same punishment? I mean, oftentimes (not always since they could be married), the first crime (in God’s eyes) was the illicit sex that resulted in the pregnancy to begin with. I mean, it’s been a long road even to get the law to recognize that the johns who go to visit prostitutes are just as guilty (if not more so) than the women they visit (remember the bars that closed). So, if the issue is consistency of justice, why don’t men who get their girls pregnant and then leave them to make a hard choice to keep the baby (which they now would have to do alone) or terminate the pregnancy, have to face murder charges too, when the mother of their baby makes the horrifying decision to kill the baby as the lesser of two evils??? Not to mention those who actually pay for the abortions… (Not saying that punishing the men is part of the answer, but if we’re going to be consistent, then I think the question should be asked.)
And then, for consistency’s sake, why don’t we hear those same abolitionists argue that the parents who elect in-vitro fertilization and therefore have viable embryos destroyed should also be charged with murder??? It’s the same separate human life as an embryo in the womb, after all. And maybe they do make this argument; but I don’t hear the same vehemence about it.
And finally, I want to say, having heard/seen the testimonies of women having had abortions and the myriad of problems they face, such as depression, suicidal tendencies, drug addition, sexual problems, health problems, miscarriages, inability to conceive, guilt upon guilt. Not to mention rage, anxiety, other mental illnesses…. I want to say that many women who have (let’s just say it) aborted their babies, killed their babies, are TORTURED by that decision, that act, however much they were coerced or not, or knew or not. So, I have to ask, what perverted sense of justice does it serve to further charge a women who is racked with guilt by her abortion to then charge her with murder as well? She has already charged herself with it; constantly, day after day, year after year, and sometimes with death by suicide as a result.
Now, not that all women who have had abortions have such issues. Seemingly, scarily, there are women who are sincerely not troubled at all. And for those women, I could say, perhaps, charging them with murder might be “just”, “appropriate”. But I think these are the exception that doesn’t prove the rule.
So, my question to the abolitionists is this: “Which approach to the woman caught in adultery actually made a lasting change?” Was it the Pharisees gathered to stone the woman for her sins (but interestingly, not the man she was caught with)? Or was it Jesus who didn’t condemn her, but told her (and gave her the grace) to “go and sin no more”?

So, I’m angry. And I have to say I’m angry with myself more than anyone else. I came late and reluctantly to the pro-life movement. Shamefully I originally thought it was all political, and so I shouldn’t be involved with it. Doubly shamefully, even after coming to my senses I was too apathetic, had too little love, to actually do anything. I had no skin in the game. And but for the grace of God, I would have been one of those young men who would have gotten a young girl pregnant, and would have wanted the “problem to just go away”…. I know this about myself. Without Jesus, I am a selfish, cowardly, perverted person. I (inwardly at least) was the worst person I knew. And even now, I know I’m not as active as I could be, I haven’t sacrificed like many I know to end abortion, to help young women (and men) make good choices, to walk uprightly, to help young pregnant women make the courageous choice to do the RIGHT thing, to help young men to stand up and be MEN and also do the RIGHT things, to advocate for life, for righteousness, to point everyone I can to the Savior who alone has the answers. But I’m getting further.

Thanks for reading and praying.